Jan. 17 I had made an appointment with my family doctor. I was 6 weeks post miscarriage and I hadn't had a period yet. I wanted to know what was going on. I also wanted to know if I should take something to help me sleep or just continue to work through it. She is a fabulous doctor. She listened and let me cry and gave me some great advice. And told me that if I was wanted to get pregnant sooner than later that I should not get on anything. Just take Tylenol pm or an over the counter sleep aid. So after talking we decided that we would take blood see where my HCG levels were and go from there. That was a Friday, Monday was a holiday but she called me and said " your HCG level is saying your 5 weeks pregnant" I asked her how that was possible she didn't know she said it was possible but such a small percentage. So we decided I would come in in the morning and do more blood. If it went up that I was pregnant if it didn't then that meant something else was going on. So we did blood and the next day Wednesday she called me and said that my levels have tripled and that I was pregnant. She told me to get with my ob to have an ultrasound so we can guarantee it is a baby. So Chris and I were in shock. We were nervous and excited but really cautious. So i tried to make an appointment but the dumb receptionist did not get it. She did not understand how we determine how far along we were because I didn't have a period and I kept telling her " exactly that is why I need to have an ultrasound to make sure its a baby and not a molar pregnancy and to see if that dates were accurate" She just did not get it, finally after much convincing we scheduled an appointment for the next week. The appointment came and there was my uterus, a sac and something, but there was not heartbeat. The doctor said we need to wait another week. So we decided to call both parents and tell them what had been going on for the past couple of weeks. It was a weird celebrate but not quite conversation. So the next week we had to wait again and there was the appointment. We went in had an ultrasound and there it was a little heartbeat. At that moment we had a baby. Due date was Sept 6th. I was worried about dates and size but doctor was just not concerned. Lets just see how baby progresses and go from there. I was not sold. I worried and cried and I wondered what was going to happen. That same weekend we found out that Chris Cousin Jenny had miscarried and I was heartbroken for her. That night I cried and cried. I was so sad for her and how she felt and I was physically mourning for her and for me...still.
I could not wrap my head around what was happening. So far I was having a baby. I was 10 weeks post miscarriage and i was 9 weeks pregnant. I was planning for another one. I thought in no way was this going to continue for the good. Then I went in for my next appointment 3 weeks later and I am terrified that there will be no heartbeat. So this time I brought my kids with me. If something bad was going to happen I would have them with me since Chris couldn't come. we had another ultrasound and there was a baby, not a blob but a baby and a heart beat and I was calm. All my fears just went calm and I called chris.
But then it was harder for me. I had all these questions and there is not alot of answer from the church about it. You ask people and everyone has a different response. I wanted to know about the baby i had lost. I wanted to know was that same spirit coming back was this baby a different one. If we don't believe in abortion and a baby and body take form after 20 days then where was this baby and will it need another body because it didn't have the chance to take a breathe. I had so much fear and no hope. I didn't understand how I could be so happy to have another baby but yet so sad for the one I lost. Was I not grateful? I was a little upset with myself that I wanted a baby so badly but i didn't give myself the right time to grieve for that baby. But let's be honest I had no idea that I could get pregnant that fast. I figured like everyone else would. You have a period, you ovulate and there you go. My grandma marcroft told me to give me time and my body time. I wish I knew now how it would have felt. If i had been trying for months after a miscarriage there would be some fear but much more excitement and hope. Here i was just drowning from hormones from being pregnant to not being pregnant to being pregnant in a month. I was psychotic!!!!
2 comments:
Congratulations! I'm so sorry about your miscarriage but it gives me so much hope that you have a new one on the way. I know that even though your cherished baby didn't take a first breath that he/she is still part of your forever family and that you have a sweet angel baby looking out for guys up there.
5 weeks ago, I delievered my baby that died at 16 weeks in utero. It was a little boy and he was whole. I have been comforted time and time again as I go to the temple and can feel his presence. I know he's my baby, and I'm his mother and that we are an eternal family together.
Losing a baby is so hard. I never thought i'd live through that horrible trial. I hope (and am also terrified) for another chance to get pregnant and for it to be a steong and healthy baby that can make it full term. I blogged my experience if youre interested. Just know, that I am thinking and praying for your sweet family. Love you!
http://www.amazon.com/Gone-Soon-Serri-Devashrayee-Wittwer/dp/1608618714/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1402060648&sr=1-1&keywords=gone+too+soon
I just read this book looking for answers. Even though I know my baby is mine forever, it gives me added comfort to now have the scriptures, doctrine, and teachings of church leaders back it up. I found sooo much comfort and healing in this book. Just thought I'd pass along the info. Love you and think of you often.
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