That is what time it is and I have just finished my first heart ache of tears. For so many reasons, I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss feeling like I needed to be there for someone else. NO one needs me here, no one enjoys my company. I am sad that my daughter is not a great sleeper mostly at night and everyone wants to chalk it up under "she not getting enough food." is that being said because I couldn't nurse carter and it is a shock that Kennedy is 7 1/2 months old and I am still nursing her. That she is 19 pounds and growing but that doesn't matter because she is up at night. I think back in the last 7 months that she has only slept till 6 am or longer for about 6 weeks of that. That I am so tired of getting up. I am tired that I have no one here to help figure out what I can do about it, except chalk it up as a nursing issue. I am tired that it is about everyone else and never about me. I watched my mother loose her life to her children and her husband. I remember she never bought herself anything. That she made do with the same clothes for at least a decade. Every time I try and make anything about me I am reminded that it is not. Now don't go thinking that I don't love to be a mom or a wife. These things bring me great joy and fulfillment, That being said that doesn't mean it can be hard as well. Why is it that when it is just me they love me and want me to make them feel better and me to hold them when they are sad or tired, or me that needs to feed them, but when Chris is home it is just dad, they don't need anyone else. I have learned that if we go to a farm and there is a pony ride C wants Chris to take him or when we are walking if Chris is pushing K, Carter will ask to me to push K so he can walk with daddy.
Everyday I am brought with peace that is where we are meant to be. I know that life is difficult and to be grateful for what you have. Believe me I am grateful, I would be less if I did not have Kennedy, Carter and Chris but truth is they would be fine without me. So for know I will go back to bed and wake up when she is ready to eat and so will Carter. When the alarm goes off and I have to tell Chris to get out of bed. I will kiss each of them, tell them I love them and go about my day that truly is theirs.
6 comments:
I'm sure if they all read this, they would say WE DO NEED YOU!!!! I think you're just worn down. I feel like it's totally normal for K to be sleeping this way and I totally wouldn't stress about it. If she will take rice cereal that may help a bit. I'm sorry you're feeling down, but glad that you're at peace with where you're at. Feel better ;)
I can probably relate to you a whole lot more than you think I can :) !! The tears, the not feeling needed, the worries about kids, not getting enough sleep, etc.
First off, you *ARE* needed. I know the times I have chatted with you I have really enjoyed it! You are real, and funny and I enjoy our conversations.
Motherhood is hard, especially when you throw in sleep deprivation amid other worries. My fourth little one (who is now 16 months old) didn't start sleeping through the night until I weaned him a few months ago. It. was. hard!!!
We should talk and commiserate! I am always here to listen so please chat away - and be honest and real. That is the way I like it, not sugar coated!
Hang in there!!
Jenn, being a mother definitely has HIGHS and LOWS! It is a thankless job. Dax's new thing is YELLING at me and telling me NO all of the time, just to irritate me! He is a daddy's boy all the way. But, I wouldn't trade it for another job. I know what it's like to drop my child off at daycare, and even though I loved my job and it gave me a "break", it is so much more beneficial for me to be at home, tantrums and all. Also, Dax was a terrible sleeper. He still wakes up and comes to find us at night and hasn't done naps in forever, so don't beat yourself up over it. I know that Chris and your kids appreciate you so much, even if you feel alone. You're not alone. I can empathize, and I'm here any time you need someone to understand!
I love you, Jenn! I am sorry it's been hard for you...I feel some of your pain...being in a new place, starting over with making new friends is hard. You are such an amazing woman and I have always admire your ability to win over people in a short amount of time. You are so much fun to be around and so easy to talk to. I hope you can manage your lack of sleep or be able to find time to take a nap here and there. I know sleep is HUGE in keeping your sanity in check. Thinking of you!. Love ya!!
Reading your post reminds me of how I felt when I had two (and then three) little ones. Moms with young kids never get enough sleep, and obviously you are not if you are posting at 4:17 AM. I know it's hard, but it will get better. Your family DOES need you, the reason Carter chooses Chris is because he knows you will ALWAYS be there for him but Daddy isn't always there. Try to get as much sleep as you can, this stage will pass (eventually) and you will be amazed at how much better you feel after a truly good night's sleep. Know that you are loved and you are not alone. I love you!
We are totally in the same boat. Charlie was a great sleeper but it's been a couple months now of terrible nights. Hey, he's my fifth and I still haven't figured it out. Your family definetely needs and loves you! You're a great mom. Sometimes I get caught up in the fact that right now that's all I am- Mom. I have to remind myself that these little ones will grow up too fast and then I won't know what to do! Can't wait to catch up and wallow in our sleeplessness together!
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