Time

I don't sleep very much.  If I fall asleep (unhelped) it is sometime after 1:30-2am.  Sometimes I think about what my day was like, sometimes I think about the last month, sometimes I just don't want to fall asleep.  When I am pregnant I worried about going to sleep because I would be so sick in the morning and than I would be probably grouchy.  Now I wish I was sick.  A sickness that goes away if I ate something.  My sweet grandma marcroft called me today. She and I share the same birthday and I love to visit her in LA when I can.  She and grandpa always would come see  us in NM or Utah.  Now she is to old to make those annual trips but she is still sharp as a whistle for being 96.  She cried with me on the phone and expressed loosing a baby herself when she was 13 weeks along 60 years ago.  She expressed that that baby was taken from me to reasons we don't understand, and regardless of why it hurts and to be sad or mad or whatever I was for as long as I want.  She told me to deal with it the way that I know best. I feel the  same with other news.

 I received some family news lately that is devastating.  News that I can not understand and I feel numb.  I am calm and fine during the day but night comes around and it is dark and quite and I am a baby needing comfort.  I think it is so weird that I am so calm during the day most of the time, sometimes I even forget it happened.  Then something reminds me that life is changing.  I know that time is not ours that we are privileged to have it.  Time is also slow on days when it should go fast and time is fast on days I wish it would stop.  Time....do I need it?  Does my body need it?  Does my children need it?  Why not now, why not July?  Tonight I ask why, tomorrow I will know that those answers will not be available to me and that I either accept that with faith and press on or I have a day with a tear leaks out every once in a while.  I pray for myself, my children and my husband that I will just press on until tomorrow night.

I love my kennedy, she is like a flower with fire power from Mario bros.  She makes me beam with joy and shake my head with frustration.  I am grateful for her fire power it will help her later in life.

My carter is joy with a song.  He is all boy with a tender heart.  He loves lions and I think he fits it so perfectly.  He calls a lion a sun bathing king.  Carter is like that, he is soft and lazy and enjoys the sun and then he roars and pounces.  Lucky me to be there mom at this TIME.