I lay at night and my mind is in every direction. I think about how my life has changed in such a short amount of time. I think how much I think my future has changed.
Last Friday the 6th I was scheduled for my first doc. appointment. I was excited, I was 9 weeks and I was going to hear my favorite sound, my baby's heart beat. Chris was going to meet me there. For a min. I was worried because I had woken up with a few spots of blood. Everyone said don't worry. Chris was worried, I was not. I asked if there was an earlier appointment and there was. Without thinking to call Chris and let him know I had rescheduled knowing he had a busy day at work. I took it. I dropped Carter to a friends and took Kennedy with me. Not having an OBGYN, I met a new doctor that was going to see if he could help me deliver my baby vaginally. He said let's look and see if there is anything to worry about. He did an internal ultrasound and there it was, my uterus, the sack, the baby and NO heartbeat. He took measurements and adjusted the angel. It was dead quiet in the room. No noise but Kennedy crying for me to hold her. I sat up and the doctor was stammering, finally I just said "just say it." "There is no heartbeat, I believe this is a miscarriage" he said. I was numb. It was " ok what do we do now." I had options and the one the doctor and I agreed on is I would give it the weekend because he couldn't do anything until next week anyways and if I didn't pass everything by Tuesday afternoon then I would go to Overlake hospital for a DNC. I took my instructions and Kennedy and left.
I called Chris's office over and over and could not get a hold of him. So I called my mom and I lost it, I couldn't breath, I couldn't talk either. I called Chris dad Bob to tell him and to tell everyone. I pulled up to my friend Leone's house to get Carter and I called Chris on his cell and told him and lost it, He would be coming home early. I called Gma Rass and I couldn't talk either I just cried. I knew that I was having to tell all these people and I couldn't, so I let everyone else tell everyone. I had told so many people from church and my friends because I honestly thought this would never happen to me. I have other problems and issues getting pregnant and staying pregnant and having a baby was never one of them. I will never take that for granted again.
I was left alone, while Kennedy slept and carter was at school and then I was just loved by so many woman in my ward. The phone tree was applied and everyone knew. At first it was really hard but it was such a blessing. To know so many who had experienced this before and those who just loved me. We have a private Facebook page for the woman in our ward and I explained everything on there. I received so much love and encouragement it was so moving and incredible. The next couple of days felt strange, I was cramping and bleeding like as if I had a really bad period. I only really cried and let go and allowed myself to feel anything was at night when the kids went to bed. There was apart of me that figured if I didn't talk about it then it wasn't real. That come July I was still having a baby and that I would have visitors come and see our beautiful town and place to live and experience Seattle in the best time of year. That was going to change.
My dear friend Leone was blessing her baby Violet on Sunday and I wanted so much to be there for it. So I was feeling ok to go to church. I planned on only staying thru sacrament meeting. I was afraid of all the hugs and conversations I was going to get if I stayed any longer. (that's the part that was in denial) But in all reality I was so crampy and uncomfortable that I left as soon as I had the bread and water. Chris also gave me a blessing with Stephen (Leone's Husband). It was a blessing that I was not expecting. I did not feel any comfort and anything soft and warm. I already knew that the Lord loved me. I am not sure what I expected to hear but what I did hear was not what I wanted. So I walked away feeling mad and bitter. Honestly there are some parts of me that are mad. I am mad that I have to start all over. I am mad that I already put in so much time and for nothing...so I thought.
Monday came around and I still felt the same and figured I was heading to the hospital tomorrow. At 11 I was starting to have random sharp pain that would stop me in my track and that took me to my knees, but there was not a lot of bleeding and the doc said there would be. So I didn't think anything of it. Carter went to school and Kennedy went for a nap and then it hit me. For the next 3 hrs every 2-3 mins I was in the worst pain. Pain that shot thru my stomach into my back that took me down. My sister Tabitha called and helped me get thru the contractions. It was unbelievable pain. I was fortunate to not have my kids needing me at the time. When Carter walked thru the doors at 3, the pain stopped almost immediately and I was grateful and then every now and then I would get one but manageable. Then right at 4 I took a step and I was knocked off my feet in the worst amount of pain. I stood up and had to immediately go to the bathroom, something was coming. I sat down and out slid the perfect sack. Everything was together there was no mess, no blood nothing just this perfect sack. At that moment I knew and my body felt like a million dollars. I called my doc and he sent me to the hospital for an ultrasound. Chris met me there. They couldn't tell me anything so we went home. In retrospect I was able to have a vaginal birth. I was able to experience what it is like to have that pain and then be released from that pain. For the moment when it was all done I saw nothing but grace. It is a feeling that I will take with me forever.
Finishing my appointment at the hospital Chris looks and feels terribly sick. On the way home he throws up. An hour later Carter starts as well. So now I have both boys in the front room sick as a dog and me taking care of them. Chris sent me to bed about midnight to get some rest and try to not get sick. I would hear them through out the night, and couldn't help buy occasionally come out to help. About 5 am they were both done and sleeping. Then I was awake, with nothing but my thoughts. About 9:30 I feel it come on. I am sick as a dog all day. By the time 9 pm came around I had 4oz of water and 5 saltine's. I couldn't walk without Chris helping me. I was so mad! I just wanted to feel better. Of all days for me to get the flu, why did it have to be today. I woke the next day to little strength but my stomach was better. Chris left for work. About an hour later he was back to change his suit. He had forgotten to clean the seat belt from his sickness when he cleaned his car. I had him stay longer and get the kids breakfast and set up with cartoons. I was ready for the week to be over.
All week I have had my moments of anger, denial and pain. My heart hurt for the loss, for what was going to happen next or worse what's not going to happen next. In time I will heal and in time so will my body. I have learned that I will never regret what it feels like to have a baby inside, kicking, rolling, hearing of the heart beat. To have indigestion, and nausea, to have to pee a million times in the night. To have my stomach stretch out and to have my body change in many ways we really don't like. I have also learned that there are so many woman who do this all the time and have had there heart break over and over again. To those women, I have more love and compassion and now understanding towards you. My heart is forever united with yours. I also hold my kids a little bit tighter. It's hard for someone to remind you that you already have 2 beautiful healthy kids and be grateful, but I am grateful, extremely grateful.
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